“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
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I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
how to have an accident 101
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Don’t we all.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?