My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
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You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
My sex drive has a dui
*ernest hemingway voice*
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
kitchen magnet
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.