Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
You Might Also Like
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Twitter fine art
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.