“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
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Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.