What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
You Might Also Like
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
We have a winner.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.