The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
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Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.