witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
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*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Noted.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then