Lol
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I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
Nice try Hitler
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.