Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
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haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling