person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
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“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”