CUTE CAT‼︎
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I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?