i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
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do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
He’s dead
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.