I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
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I am laughing way too hard at this.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.