Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
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The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Support your local cemetery
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.