Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
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Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
What about a To-Don’t List?
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.