When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
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I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.