When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
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JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
When your parents check you’re ok.
Your honor these allegations are
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.