Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
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worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet