When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
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As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event