Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
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[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
😲 WTF? 😆
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics