Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
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People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced