5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
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HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People