Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
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Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
this is what they would have looked like, though
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.