I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
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I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler