BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
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Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*