“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
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*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.