The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
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[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy