I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
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I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?