馃槀馃槀
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Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I鈥檓 at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Me: It鈥檚 time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”