When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
You Might Also Like
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM