Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
You Might Also Like
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
as is their right
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”