I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
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My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Had to try this trend 😊
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town