I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
You Might Also Like
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
My new favorite headline
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
CRYING
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.