Livid.
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Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Something Saturday.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.