Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
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*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
“i am a sweet baby”
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check