In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
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when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out