kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
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Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
Nose
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
saw this in a dream
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
i hope my email finds you on fire
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”