[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
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Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.