doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
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“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything