I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
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shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
As the Lord intended
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.