there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
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Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.