I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
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I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.