[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
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Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
lmao
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be