My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
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Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]