My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
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[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
The options really are this bad
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this