I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
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Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
I wanna be friends with this person
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?