GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
You Might Also Like
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.