I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
You Might Also Like
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time