Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
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Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Bruh 😭😭😭😭