I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
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The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
Oh. My. God.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
Ummm
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*